I've been having issues lately. Maybe it's just my new birth control that's fucking with my emotions or something else, but whatever it is I don't feel happy anymore. Instead I feel upset, sad, angry, stressed and panicky on an almost daily basis. Something needs to change and soon or I'm just going to snap like a twig. It all feels robotic, the smiles, the laughter, the joy and confidence and self assurance. No, none of that feels really to me anymore. What does feel real is when I sit in my room by myself and try not to think of how big a fuck up I am. Or how I screwed up that day, or everything I didn't do. Beating myself up for I did or said or even didn't say, that's real. Lying here bawling my eyes out because I fucked up again, or I stressed myself into a panic attack, or I just feel like there's never a way out or an end to this, that's real. Sitting here at 4 in the morning staring at my knife, listening to it's taunting whisper in my ear, the sweetest of pains, that's real. What isn't real is everyone who said they cared about me and let me down. Everyone who ever said they missed me so much and then left me waiting for days on end only to never heard from them again. Everyone who said they'd be there for me,night or day I could call and they'd answer, and then when I did the phone just kept ringing. Those things and people aren't real,not to me anymore. It's expected, so it doesn't bother me, at least I tell myself that. No, what bothers me is that I thought that I was different. I had the balls to think that I was special. Turns out I was wrong. I'm not different or special, I'm as unreal and fake as the rest.
Like wires covered in tin, I'm just a robot covered in skin.
No thoughts, no soul, no feelings,
Just words with empty meanings